If you go to the about section on this page, you will see that I state that I would be honest. I feel that I have done a decent job of that.
But here, it's going to get a little bit personal. To be clear, this is no attempt at sympathy. I am simply keeping my word on being honest.
I have struggled with depression and overwhelm. A lot in recent times. I wrestled so much with depression that my off time would be to lie in bed. No sunlight could get through the blackout curtains that I purchased. There would be days that I didn't eat. There would be days that I would sleep but never get a moment of rest.
Praise be to God that I am not currently in a depressive episode at this moment! But I have another mode that I operate; Busyness. There are times in my life when I am busy. Hey, I'm a full-time working mom with a husband and a dog. I'm also a daughter and very involved with my church.
But busyness. Busyness goes beyond my obligations as a spouse and a mother. Busyness isn't just making sure that the house is clean, my family eats, and that there is time spent making memories. Busyness is intentionally looking for more to do. Extra. Busyness is to seek out anyone that can occupy any of my free time and keep me from being alone with my thoughts. Something. Anything to keep my mind off of the issues that need to be processed.
And let me tell you something. I make busyness look pretty damn good too. I can walk in the room with my head held high, no one is none the wiser to the fact that deep down there's a river of tears that won't dry. There are insecurities that I try to hide. Sometimes, when I'm alone and in this state of just being busy, the insecurities and feelings of worthlessness echo so loudly in my head that I can't even think. In those moments, I begin to doubt everything about my existence. I question everything that I have done and plan to do. Am I a good mother? Am I a good wife? Am I a good daughter? Am I a good coworker? Am I more of a burden than a blessing? You get the picture.
And these bouts can last days or even weeks.
But God.
The Holy Spirit reminds me that I am loved (John 3:16). He reminds me not to be anxious about anything (Philippians 4:6). He reminds me to come to Him when I am weary (Matthew 11:28).
Listen, ya girl is FAR from perfect. I'm quite the opposite. The purpose of this blog is to let you know that you are not alone. You are not the only mama that struggles with gently speaking to your children. You are not the only woman that struggles with her self-worth. If we're being honest, I think to some extent we all struggle at times.
But WE GOT THIS! We do not have to be drug down by depression and self-doubt. We conquerors! No, wait. We are MORE than conquerors (Romans 8:37).
I have found that if I am too tired too from the busyness of life day after day when I get home that I cannot spend my hour or so doing my evening routine before bed, it's time to pull back some. Because I know that I have reached that level of busyness and overextension I need to find rest in The Holy Spirit. I need to find the time to be in His presence to find peace.
I pray that by sharing my struggle you may be blessed.
Blessings,
~Nia Grace
